Money Making Schemes

Are these Handy Tips for Life funny or true

DIET TIP:
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. The subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea will enable you to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
FINANCE TIP: Save on electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner’s hat.
FINANCE TIP: Save on gasoline by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you’ve broken down and help.
HOUSEHOLD TIP: Drill a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
HOUSEHOLD TIP: Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.
INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: At work, put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: Buy a television set exactly like your neighbors. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: During rush hour, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road.
INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes’ eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I won!” “I won!” “3rd time this week!”
PARKING TICKETS: Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers turned to ‘fast wipe’ whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
PERSONAL HYGEINE: No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
SAFETY TIP: Never attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving supermarket door.
TRAVELING TIP: Avoid the need to pack bulky shampoo bottles, which can leak in your suitcase, by arranging for the whole family to have ‘skinhead’ haircuts a day or two before departure.
TRAVELING TIP: When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

funny top tips?

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
> circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the
> garment
> from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain
> and check that it has gone.
>
> Don’t waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to
> the object you wish to view.
>
> Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but
> you’ll also be getting paid for it.
>
> Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
> filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
> urinating into it, before jumping in.
>
> An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
> inexpensive vibrator.
>
> Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you’ve taken steroids by
> running a bit slower.
>
> Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next
> fag from the butt of your last one.
>
> Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
> or veal. Since they’re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
> substitute etc ‘tastes exactly like the real thing’, they won’t know
> the difference.
>
> Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you’d no
> doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
> about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
>
> High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
> while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
>
> Heavy smokers. Don’t throw away those filters from the end of your
> cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you’ll have enough to
> insulate your roof.
>
> Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
> before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems
> anyway, so
> it may as well look like one.
>
> A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
> from rolling over and going back to sleep.
>
> Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by
> banging your feet twice on each stair.
>
> At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy ‘Next customer
> Please’ sign for dyslexic shoppers.
>
> Girls. Don’t worry about a nice dress for that important first date.
> All he’s interested in is seeing you starkers.
>
> Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
> fishes’ eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
>
> Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to
> ‘fast wipe’ whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
>
> Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
> liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping
> trolley
> and the
> other in your coat pocket.
>
> Don’t invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may
> find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

Who says Illegals Illegal immigrants not draining us will this change your minds?

It take a few minutes to read this. If reading is hard for you try a question easier.Reall full story at…http://www.news-press.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070729/OPINION/707290368/1015/OPINION
Being a P.K. (preacher’s kid) I feel I have an obligation to answer Rev. Robinson’s guest opinion, “The Immoral Minority: Anti-immigrants in America,” July 24. What don’t you understand about “illegal”? You obviously haven’t read and understood the economic drain on the taxpayer these illegals are causing.

Let’s suppose, for example, your entire congregation were illegals. Further, let’s imagine that when the offering plate were passed each one took out more than they contributed. How long would your church continue to exist?

That’s what is happening to this country we all love. Like the Roman Empire, it’s dying. No, it’s not just the illegals but also the moral degradation that you should be preaching against instead of defending someone you feel sorry for.

Before you label me a bigot and member of the immoral minority I will inform you that this bigot just came back from Haiti where I, and a few other medical bigots, treated several sick, black, and very poor brothers.

Immoral? I don’t think so. Minority? The next election will tell.

CHARLES JONES, MD

St. James City

Moral majority

In response to Rev. Robinson’s guest opinion, I would like to say that I for one am not anti-immigrant. I am anti-illegal immigrant. I believe that I am one of the Moral Majority (not Immoral Minority) as you put it. I am all for legal immigration, no matter who they may be.

My grandparents were immigrants. These immigrants came to this country legally. They learned English, studied hard and proudly received their citizenship. They got jobs, raised families and paid their own way. They were poor but too proud to ask for handouts. They did not expect Americans to learn their language. America became their country, not a place to collect money and send it back to their country.

These people should fear immigration and the police, as they are criminals who steal our identity, use false driver’s licenses (if any) and false Social Security numbers. If I did these things, I would be in prison. I believe Rev. Robinson is part of the Immoral Minority.

BEVERLY HALPERN

Cape Coral

Foolish analogy

Rev. Robinson is “at it again.” His great concern for “illegals” shows his flawed thinking for people who come to our country illegally and who for the most part don’t care about our laws and our great nation. I am just as concerned about the misfortune of many people throughout the world, as is the good reverend. However, I do not condone anyone breaking our laws despite the circumstances they face.

It is a foolish analogy for Robinson to publically state it is “the difference between breaking the speed limit and stealing a car. Stealing a car is a crime, but driving a car too fast is a civil violation.” If you follow Robinson’s thinking it would be OK to rob a store or a bank because I or my family are hungry and poor. Our laws must be followed and not disregarded.

The majority of Americans care about people and their problems. Possibly the reverend should do something that he is good at if he really cares about people.

He should use his voice and efforts at attempting to reach the governments in Central and South America, and Mexico. He should encourage all the nations to help their citizens to solve their problems at home, making for a better life at home, without so many “forced to flee.”

Stirring up “us locals” is not the answer. There are many injustices in our world. Please remember we have too many U.S. citizens living with numerous problems, both emotional and financial. For those who want to make a difference there is always the Peace Corps, which is looking for caring volunteers.

ROBERT KRIEGER

Fort Myers

Robinson ranting

He’s back. The Rev. Robinson with more of his hate-speech, claiming America stole Texas from Mexico by force in 1849, along with such inane hyperbole of accusing us — or those who don’t agree with him — of demeaning “undocumented” workers, imprisoning them, and herding them like cattle.

The reverend states not having appropriate immigration papers is only a civil matter, not a felony crime. What part of illegal don’t you understand, reverend?

He drones on with, “If they’re hurt, they have the right to go to the E.R. and be treated without Immigration being called.” Of course, the reverend doesn’t mention that “us” bad people will pay the bill, in excessive costs passed on to “us” by the hospitals when we are admitted. We’re over-billed to compensate for the reverend’s poor undocumented workers getting their treatment free!

Nobody’s spared, in his rant-ing, including law enforcement, which he says doesn’t have the right to enter homes without a warrant, nor should the police try to scare these “undocumented” people into giving personal data! What gall!

I thank God for our police that, against all odds, are trying to break up the grow-houses, and the abuse of children in some of these houses that have 15 or more people living there — which is also against the law.

Call me silly, but my parents taught me to always obey the laws of my God and country. I guess the reverend has a different set of values.

I have a suggestion for him. Instead of blaming our government for “not spending billions on helping these people” do the Christian thing yourself by teaching them to fight in their homeland (your word not mine!) for better living conditions and wages.

(You sure like to scold and lecture “us” in a way that, in my humble opinion, is NOT very Christian, Reverend.)

JOAN T. SAMPEDRO

North Fort Myers

Cubans not illegal

Foreign nationals have been complaining that the United States gives “unfair” preferential treatment to the Cuban immigrants coming by boat, frequently landing in my home town of Sanibel.

Can the complainers explain how we can be either “fair” or “unfair” to those who have absolutely no right to be here in the first place and to whom we do not owe any privilege to reside here? The Cubans are entitled to be here by law. The law which allows them to remain here if they reach land was enacted to accommodate special and peculiar circumstances which relate to Cuban nationals and only Cuban nationals.

We are still a sovereign nation, with every right in the world to enact laws and adopt practices, which are judged by Congress to be in our national interest. What is there about the word “illegal,” as in “illegal immigrants,” which some people don’t understand? So long as our law permits Cubans to reside here they are not illegal, and we have no obligation whatever to those who are.

RICHARD W. METZ

Sanibel

Embargo useless

Welcome to the 21st century. We’ve been advocating the end of the Cuban embargo for years because the perceived threat that may have existed in the past is now just a toothless old dictator, who, as the former bully in the schoolyard, doesn’t even have a schoolyard anymore.

We deal with the Chinese on a daily basis (a communist dictatorship, by the way) and even gave them favored trade status some years ago, but still we boycott Castro and, by extension, the very same poor people that our elected officials are saying are repressed by the Castro regime.

Our patronization of the Cuban voting bloc is simply pathetic and shows how the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Such a minuscule percentage of the voters in this country, but they make enough noise so that the politicians, pandering for votes, will keep in place an embargo that never was effective to begin with.

Then we have the wet foot-dry foot fiasco, oops, law. Let’s encourage people to leave Cuban repression and poverty by crossing the Florida Strait on a raft. If you get to land, bingo, you’re a U.S. citizen, but if you get stopped at sea, bam, you get sent back so you can try again.

Boy, I couldn’t see the problem with that law until it occurred!

Illegal immigration immediately jumps to mind since these people are also being rewarded by this country for paying thousands of dollars to be smuggled illegally into this country or entering illegally on their own at great peril.

The Mexican government, which does virtually nothing to stem the exodus from their country, decries efforts on the part of this country to shore up its southern border with fences, cameras, agents or whatever other action we deem to take. Too bad! This is still, for the time being, the United States of America and it is the obligation and the sworn duty of our politicians to uphold the laws that protect the borders of this country.

If you are going to follow the advice of The News-Press editorial (“End special allowances for Cubans,” July 25) and contact the politicians on the Cuban issue, remind them illegal immigration is still a huge issue that they can’t seem to get a grip on and needs to dealt with. Urge them to do the right thing and enforce the existing laws that pertain to illegal immigration. There’s no reason to pass new laws if the ones on the books are not enforced.

ANTHONY E. CUNNINGHAM

Cape Coral

Illegals not welcome

I have a news flash for you, Reverend Robinson! Undocumented workers are criminals. They knowingly broke our laws to enter this country. Your reasoning is that they have done this to keep from starving. If someone is hungry and robs a food store, are they any less guilty of a crime?

Also, you present the argument that undocumented workers are “residents” of this country. I have to take offense to this as well. If someone breaks into your home, does that make them a resident of your house?

You quoted Scripture by saying, “We should care for immigrants among us.” I believe that Jesus also told the Romans to pay their taxes and obey their government. Neither of which undocumented workers do.

Personally, I have no problem with immigration. If a person wants to go through the proper channels to come to this country, and assimilate to our culture, they are more than welcome to a better life here. I think that the majority of Americans feel the exact same way.
http://www.news-press.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070729/OPINION/707290368/1015/OPINION
Here is link
iam_sohappi please try to find easier question,this one went way over your head, Huh ?

What to do if your girlfriend’s family are so low it’s unreal?

My girlfriend is 18 and lives with her mum. She is only starting to realise what they are like and it is taking it’s toll on her and myself. Her mother is so selfish it is just sad. Myself and my girlfriend had been planning to move in together until she lied about a bunch of things to keep her under her own roof. We recently found out that was because if she did move out, money for her would stop. She allowed her brother to live in the house illegally and he has taken over everything. He drinks, smokes and even stands up and looks in my girlfriends bags when she has came back from a shop. When she was younger she was forced to live on a floor because her (mum) friends son needed a place to stay. She was ill when younger and had to get operations, the mother conned the system to get benefits which never went on my girlfriend. She left her proclaiming she “wanted to start a new life” with her new boyfriend, leaving my girlfriend at her drug dealer brothers home. Her job when she got out the hospital was cleaning and hoovering and looking after his children whilst being told “you aren’t to go to school”. It really gets me down that after all this my girlfriend is still even in contact with these people. This is only a small amount of what they are like. The mother even tried to take my credit card details to pay for some sort of online bingo thing, telling me it only cost a one off payment of £5 when this clearly wasn’t the case. She has befriended an elderly lady and has got her into debt by buying things in her name. Loads of letters come through the door all in different names. I’m trying my best to get her away but they have put her down so much in her life i think it is very hard for her to break free. What should i do?. What would you do?

Sorry for the spelling, had to type fast

Thanks

911 its allot to read but it would help me immensely. If I don’t come up with $425 in 2days I will be homeless?

I feel like an idiot but also like I’m meant to have allot of bad things happen to me! Its seems as if I’m cursed and have been cursed for the last 1-2 years. It all started 2 years ago when I got my cars stolen. I got another bucket and traded cars with a friend and since he was desperate for money he sold my car and took his back. Ive had good jobs in the past always real-estate, management etc etc but the last job I just fired from and I haven’t been able to find work. Well I found two jobs…. that pay good money yet there offices are so far and without a car or Valid CA driver’s license I cant buy (get a loan) a car and I don’t even have a car to drive illegally either (which Ive done). My boyfriend used to help me allot using his car but his family started getting mad and insisted his older married sister needs a 2ND car while there gone for work. Its allot more complicated than just that But I’m sure you get the gist.

I feel even worse now because I lowered myself to do this bikini contest that was full of drunk Internet nerds (not all were nerds- but most) who treated me differently and some SO MEAN. I’m used to being respected and dressed business like and after wearing a bikini in front of strangers I’m at a all time low. I’m not close to my family, well I only know my moms side and you can say there old old old fashioned there motto: fix your own mess, don’t tell me your problems your grown OR maybe it’s not a motto! maybe they just dont give a rats.

When I was 18 to 21 I was doing OK well really good for myself finanacailly, now I feel like I forgot how to take care of myself and I’m starting to have serious panic attacks and feel so over whelmed and sooooo scared. No one understands! I feel like Im loosing it and getting into a really wierd state of depression. My BF acts like its no big deal… He has lived at home his whole life! he’s been in the hole himself allot of different times and his parents always dug him out. He lost 100k in money had his car repo’d stole money from the fam business and just reacently crashed his fams new car and yet his life is still cozy. Now when he sees me he doesnt understand my pain. and just pats me on the head.

I just feel like there is no way out of this hole, I feel like I’m going no where fast. I don’t know what my options are anymore! I don’t know How I’m going to be able to pay my rent and bills without a car. All of the jobs Ive been offered are up north where the bus doesn’t even go. Not to mention Ive never been able to save a cent! wait I think I have 10 cents to my name. Last month my BF was able to cover the rent (we don’t live together) and this month he cant afford it… only half: $425. I had two things lined up that fell through! one wasn’t exactly legal and the other was the bikini contest… which I should have WON because I was the best looking and nice but they were going for: the most slutty and I couldn’t bring myself to be that way. Im starting to admire the girls that can strip and be prostitutes and make good money and they DON’T care! but I just cant be that way I would feel horrible! I cant bring myself to be that way! I cant get naked for money or do anything sexually for money– So I tried and I feel like I’m retarded or slow because I cant figure LIFE OUT! I really feel like I suck at it. Its weird because I have met so many people that say what a smart person I am, kind and special I am. But I just feel stupid and lame as hell. I don’t know how I can do this by myself.

Ive just had so many ups and downs and I’m great at giving others advice but not myself. Ive never met someone like me that has had a blessed with an adventurous life yet a really hard low rough situation type of life either. And yet here i am AGAIN! 2 days away from rent being do and I don’t have shit! no matter how many things I had lined up that fell through! I’m going to be evicted and I don’t know how to get out of this or what to do anymore.. I ran out of four leaf clovers A LONG time ago and I’m just stuck. Any Advice or ways I could make money in 4 days I MEAN 2DAYS?!?!?!

ANY Heartfelt advice would be deeply apprecaited.